The Apple Retailer. The place the place overjoyed prospects get clapped in by staff as they stroll in to buy the brand new iPhone; The place the place staff get clapped out and cheered as they go away for pastures new; The place the place pleasure has no finish, life has no issues, and shopping for a brand new Apple machine makes every thing really feel entire once more.
It’s additionally the place the place 1000’s of shoppers arrive late to their appointments and demand service; The place the place handing a cellphone coated in your bodily fluids over to a stranger is deemed acceptable; The place the place you entrust technicians along with your most beloved reminiscences and your deepest, darkest secrets and techniques. Welcome to the Apple Retailer, a spot I known as residence for a lot of a 12 months and a spot that has many a story to be instructed. You’ll wish to hear about all of them — however you’ll want you would overlook half of them. Imagine me, I’ve tried.
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Disclaimer: These occasions are based mostly on a real story. All names and likenesses have been modified however each single bizarre, grotesque, humorous, or healthful anecdote occurred inside the partitions of an Apple Retailer someplace on the market.
Take the chilly, crisp February morning when the heroine of this story met the teller of this story. The Genius Bar was nonetheless half asleep when the sprightly-but-shocked lady walked in along with her iPhone SE. I used to consider myself as a charmer, in a position to make even the grumpiest previous woman want I had been their grandchild. So when an appointment for somebody known as Constance with a software program subject on their iPhone SE popped up within the Concierge system, I used to be in my component.
I checked the notes within the system and noticed that Constance had booked in by calling the Apple Help helpline. The notes learn, “Points with iPhone software program, pornographic imagery on the machine and not sure how one can take away. Buyer needs to be seen in retailer.”
In these 4 stone partitions, I virtually felt like a superhero, in a position to resolve any drawback at hand, and that felt like some mad energy that allowed me to make or break somebody’s day. With nice energy comes nice duty, my uncle Ben as soon as instructed me, and that exact Tuesday morning, I used to be within the temper to save lots of Constance from the horrors she’d endured over the previous couple of months.
I head to the again wall, roll my shoulders, slap my face, and hype myself as much as do the great Lord Jobs’ work. I’m able to serve, and I’m able to rid Constance of those pictures which have been haunting her helpless soul.
“Constance,” I say, strolling over with a superhero swagger to a small-framed lady in her late 70s or early 80s sitting uncomfortably on a stool constructed for type over spinal assist. “Whats up pricey, I’m hoping you may assist me as a result of I don’t know what to do anymore.”
“I don’t wish to describe what I see on my cellphone on a regular basis, however there are disgusting pictures of bare our bodies, and I feel my iPhone has been hacked!”
She appears to be like at me with the load of the world in her eyes, “Pease, pricey, you’re my final hope.”
In all my years working for Apple, there have been a number of those that I vowed to not let down, that I vowed to save lots of from the depths of despair, and let me let you know, Constance was one among them. I’d get to the basis of the problem and produce concord again to her world for good.
“I’m the suitable individual for this job, however I want you to indicate me these terrible pictures,” I say, nodding so she is aware of I don’t take my job evenly and that these pesky trolls will face the reckoning they deserve.
Constance unlocks her iPhone SE, the wallpaper a poorly framed selfie that appears like she’s by chance taken it whereas attempting to unlock her machine. She opens one thing on her machine, shields her eyes, and pushes her iPhone SE (not the trendy one based mostly on the iPhone 8, however the previous SE rocking that iPhone 5 look) throughout the desk as if to say, “Take care of this, I can’t take it anymore.”
I brace myself. I’ve seen some bizarre stuff on prospects’ units, however even then, I wasn’t ready for the grotesque imagery about to seem. I take the SE and, stunned, see the Music app open; it’s empty (Constance appears to be like extra just like the gramophone sort than a spatial audio streamer), other than a single album sq..
A black and white photograph of a person standing topless, with one other topless individual hugging their waist, hits my eyes. I gasp, I’ve had a flashback to a horrible nightmare…
“Constance,” I say, “I’ve discovered what you had been searching for.”
Constance’s iPhone is stuffed with stunning stuff, and she or he wasn’t the individual placing it there. She’d been hit with the undesirable smut of U2’s Songs of Innocence album, pressured down the proverbial throat of anybody daring to have an iTunes account.
Songs of Innocence was infamously given to all Apple prospects at no cost after the revealing of the iPhone 6 and Apple Watch. Bono joined Tim Prepare dinner on stage in Cupertino, and the album was launched solely to all iTunes Retailer prospects later that day, with Prepare dinner calling the album “the most important album launch of all time.”
Sadly for Constance, the one technique to take away U2’s thirteenth studio album was by contacting Apple Help on-line. Though, now that she knew the supply of her nightmares was nothing however a mediocre album, she might sleep simple ultimately.
She smiles at me. I smile again at her. Constance’s innocence is preserved. I arise from my stool and transfer on to the subsequent buyer of the day, able to convey extra justice to the world and rid my prospects of their torment. The streets could don’t have any identify, however hope does — it’s known as the Genius Bar.
Are you want Constance? Wish to take away Songs of Innocence out of your iTunes account?
In 2023, you may’t take away Songs of Innocence from U2 with out contacting Apple Help on-line. Right here’s how one can do it:
1. Obtain Apple Help from the App Retailer
2. Kind “iTunes assist” into the Inform us what’s taking place field on the prime
3. Observe the directions on display screen and chat with an Apple Help Specialist
Tales of the Genius Bar is a bi-weekly column unique to iMore. Do you might have your individual story to inform from the world of Apple Retail? Attain out by way of X @TalesGeniusBar .